Well, entering single-dom again. I've been away too long, it'll be weird returning.

I've cried way too much lately. Pretty tired of it honestly.

That's about it. Harry Potter is on TV for the billionth time this summer.

"You London types come up here with yer balls all shiny." haha.

It's been awhile. livejournal says 38 weeks, but I don't care.

Anyway, I thought I would just come on here and tell whoever reads this that I'm moving to England in September. I'll be living there for a year and a half. Should be fun. Trying to work out my Visa though. Scary stuff.

Also, I've been introduced to the Holy Spirit. Also also, I see Jesus Christ in a new light. My boyfriend told me today that he doesn't believe in the powerful gifts of the Holy Spirit. You guys probably don't either. That's just where we are today.

Finished:
The Problem of Pain
The Screwtape Letters
The Great Divorce (tonight)

I will start Mere Christianity soon.

Finally: I forgave myself concerning the matters of Chris that occurred Senior year. I don't know if I've forgiven him, but I let go of the pain and handed it over to God. It hasn't been an easy trip (what with depression, overeating, mind-numbing living, suicide contemplating, and all that), but I feel a whole lot more healed these days. Peace is a-rainin' down, and I'm opening my mouth and arms to drink it all in.

Phew. Now I still only face issues of discipline. Wondering if God will wait on me?

IT'S ATTACHED TO YOUR ROD MOTHER-LICKER.

Yesterday:

Coffee talk with Dad about the world. My world. His world.
Drove to Dallas.
Helped friends make a film.
Went to bed at 6am at Sarah's place.

Today:
Got up at 2pm.
Had good ol' pancakes with Sarah at our special place off of Lemon.
Watched Annie Hall. (that movie has very very very very little music in it. good technique)
Walked around and fed ducks at Sarah's apartment.
Got my feet dirty.
Met up with Scott, Brent, Vicky and Julia. We went bowling.
We all chucked ourselves over to Cafe Brazil.
I had some coffee and engaged the group in a conversation about circumcision. Our waiter didn't charge us for our drinks because he thought we were awesome. For talking about penises. Oh yeah.
Roneesh called, so I met him at White Rhino and then again at IHOP. We had a two hour long conversation over coffee.

AND NOW I AM PAYING FOR IT. It's 6am and I'm STILL talking to this stupid boy in London. I need to go to bed, but all this caffeine swimming around in my stomach isn't doing any good for me at all.


Places I'll be looking for a job, and looking to cast out roots for awhile:
1. Nashville
2. Seattle
3. London
4. Dallas
5. New York

We'll see where it goes.

Everyday gets a little better. Every moment I'm moving on I move a little further away from the awful unfairness I went through this past year.

It's the ultimate pain, though, when I think about how I let everything get as bad as it did. I was weak. I don't want to throw all the blame on him, but come on. What kind of man does that? He knew how I felt about him. I told him how deep I was getting into this. He pushed me at first, and then did no pushing at all. He shook off all responsibility. Really, he did. I realized that when he asked me if I had feelings for one of our friends this past year. He said he would feel awful if he made me go through all that if I liked someone else. I said, "No Chris, I only had eyes for you." Yes. Literally. Those were the exact words I said to him. Oh he was so relieved.

Oh how I would love to relive to all of you all of the wonderful moments where he forsook the responsibility. He let me drive the car, and I drove myself off a cliff. What did he do? He stood and watched. (While I yelled "O'Doyle Rules!" Quick! Name that movie!) And, yes, he did have the gall to blame me for all of this, actually accusing me of using him to get the pleasure I wanted. I only wanted to be near him. I only wanted him to hold me. I really really really wanted him to feel genuine love for me.


So in the end, I'm happy to be rid of him. In a way, I do feel like a poor, destitute young girl with child. Her man's run out on her, leaving all responsibility to her. He said I was one of his best friends, but I never believed that to be true. Ever. Even when he confided things in me, I felt he did that to get a little more manipulative control out of me.

Best friends? Where are we now? Communication is an all time low. Actually, it's at a stand still. I know he'll never call me, because he never does. I was the one who called him. Always. Always always always.

I'm tired. And I'm tired of drinking, which is what I've done a lot of tonight. So goodnight, the end.



I just... wanted someone to love. With all my heart, body, and soul. I'm sorry for being the nice, easily manipulated girl. I just loved him. I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to be a special moment for him in his life.


Oh, and did I mention he said I was boring? "You know? I just really crave excitement in my life. I need a girl with a bit more spark."

Ah geez.

HAHA


FAAAAH-UUUUCK.


WEEEE.

yum. vodka.
yum. hollywood.

I saw Pineapple Express.
I thought Chris would've liked it.
I wanted to call him and tell him.
But I didn't.
I'm breaking free people!
Moving on sucks, but I'm doing it!

How does it feel?

It feels awful. I am his whore, and he won't let me go. And when I have the strength to let go, something twinges inside of me and severs that strong cord that held my decency and morale together. It feels as though I'll never get over this. I'm in a never ending loop of self destruction and addiction.

Alright. I'm ok, for the moment. I just wanted to vent a little.


Cursive is great to listen to these days. They speak to my emo soul.

Blew a fuse at work today. Haven't felt that humiliated in a long time. I believe everyone but Charles has a negative opinion of me now. Well, Charles and the guy intern. Jillinda, I think, just has no opinion of me.

I've stopped all communication with Chris. It's difficult because I want to talk to him so bad. I still love him. I still want to be with him, to beLONG to him. Oh I long to be with him.
He called a lot last night. Left one goofy message before he realized that I wasn't answering his calls. Sent a few texts messages. I'm still waiting to see if he sends another email, another semi-long one that he sent yesterday. But then again, a good chunk of my insides expect him never to contact me again (once he figures out what I'm doing). That also breaks my heart a little.

I wish it didn't end up this way, but as I told Scott today through a text, I just don't know how else to handle this. I don't know how to be friends with Chris when I'm still deeply in love with him. It hurts too much.

Oh, and dangit! My favorite ATHF episode is on. And he was the one who got me into that show.


Oh, I'm so tired of my heart hurting over this guy. I'm ready to be done with it, but that small part of my said insides don't want to let go.

We all write about heartbreak. It's all there, we've all got the sickening sickness.

So instead, let's get up and rejoice that we are alive! We've got so much to do that hasn't been done yet.

...Will you do it?

All I do now is get up at 6am, shower, eat breakfast, read my Bible a little, go to work, get back from work at 7pm, eat dinner, watch tv, clean the place, and go to bed.


What an existence. And there isn't even any practicing going on in there.

One more day of driving. I get little half hearted emails from Chris in the morning. It's exciting and heartbreaking, since each time I see one, I remember that I'm not going to see him again for a long time.


Talked to Scott last night about very important matters. Woman things. I know he's not a woman, but he's the best thing I've got since I can't talk to my own mother about this. I would vow to never be like that with my own kids if I didn't think everything I would be honest and open about would get back to my own parents. They just can't know. It would kill them.

But he made me feel better. He'll always be a really great friend. I really care for him, and I hope he succeeds in life. I'm sure he will, in his own way and own time. His ex girlfriend is doing quite well for herself. I hope that doesn't bother him too much.

In the next three months, I intend to become a buddhist.

Scared to leave the ones I love the most. This includes Chris. I've said it twice now, once to his back and, fortunately, once to his face. Love is a false dart driven into the heart. (But would he be there for me? No.) I laid my cards on the table, he failed to pick any up. I don't suppose I'll ever forget the date May 10.

But California, here I come. You wait for me, and I go to you. I'm tired and scared. No tears have been cried yet. This is good I suppose, but they'll probably come eventually.

How I loved him. And, oh, the pain of relinquishing to myself and letting go the stubborn motions of not wanting to love him. I convinced myself I didn't, but realized the lie. I spoke the truth but never realized the guy. I love him, I love him. And after a startlingly long 6 years, I never thought I would love again. Will it be another half dozen again? We'll see; maybe the cliches will keep on rolling out.

I don't know how to end this writing moment. In 4 or 5 hours I'll be bound for the western coast. Sarah won't be joining me (my roommate, I obviously will be out there with myself). I will leave behind my parents who've always taken care of me, my brothers who maliciously bug me (but ultimately love me), and a boy who never loved me but took something from me. (And if anyone says "your heart?" I'll punch them in the nose.)

This is good. This is life. Such is pain and growing. Growing pains, I've got 'em.

......




...goodness.

I'm done paying tuition for school...

Awesome.

I'm really afraid my brother might commit suicide.

That would absolutely destroy everyone in my family, not to mention my other brother who he's really close to.

I don't really know what to do in this situation. He's over a thousand miles away. How can you stop someone from doing that?

"Oh Sarah, you're so nice. You're such a sweet girl. It's amazing you would just bend over backwards just to do something nice for someone. You're so amazing. You'll make someone a great wife one day."


Ugh. Kill me now.


All I really want to hear is "I like you."

Today I sat and read in Barnes and Noble for about two hours. Nearing the two hour mark, the guy I go to that particular store in order to talk to him came and sat with me on his break. We discussed how our lives were and how his school activities were doing. He said he was taking night classes now (which explains why I haven't seen him at work lately). It was nice and just what I've wanted every time I step into that store. I really enjoy talking to him. I can tell he's a well with deep waters, and I long to draw it all out of him. (this is a Biblical reference)


The funny this is that what I was doing when he sat down to talk to me was writing a short letter to Chris. I think I'll convert what I wrote in the letter to a poem. I might post the poem.


Must dash to quartet rehearsal now. I'm working on a Family Guy quartet for us to play. Shh. Don't tell them. I think they'll enjoy it.


...the days with those three are coming to a quick end. I'll miss those guys.

I like this boy. We're having a grand ol' time. Weekends are now officially the bomb.

Funny how the 'pagans' and the 'sinners' and the 'heathens' all recognize that people have moments of weakness.

Well, I had mine this weekend.

Does that bring me into the human race now? I don't feel so migh and highty anymore.



I hate this hurt I'm stuck with though. I wish I had been stronger. Will it take another six years to get over this fonble?

That just insults my intelligence.

Drove home last night so that I wouldn't have to battle Dallas traffic this morning. Chris said it was smart.

Oh Chris.


We are pushing the bounds of our relationship (in the good way). I like it, so so much, and yet it scares me. There are things I want to explore, but I know that if I do, it'll end terribly. This attraction is becoming too hard to deal with, even when he's not around. There's no hope for me when he is.

I'm not sure what happens. When we're together, my personality changes. I morph into this character that I don't ever want to be. It's not who I am, nor is it someone I aspire to be, so why do I allow it to happen?

In no way is this love. I recognize the deep feelings cycling in me are purely physical attraction. This is why I get so angry when it takes pure control of my entire being.



I do very well when I don't see him for days on end. And then when we meet up for a few hours it's all returned again. I'm in trouble.

I'm Ms Hoover.

Last night I dreamt I traveled with my Dad to Tile-her Texas to see a special wedding. (One devoted to a Sunday backer and an Eisley hacker.) During the pre-ceremony I hung with The Baby. She was petty and silly and girly, but she let me hang out with her. I got to see all the cool equipment and makeup and cameras that band uses all the time. I was pretty much by her side for the whole evening, until the ceremony started. Then the whole family, band, and band wagon packed everything up and traveled to the church the wedding was supposed to take place at. It was pretty much me and my dad left in a very large room in a fairly small auditorium. Dad was pretty unhappy that I spent the whole night by The Baby's side, when I could've talked to her father about a job, since I saw him almost around every corner I turned.

Sometimes I prefer my dreams to the real world.